
(So, I’m going to see how this goes down….Take notes, you might need them later….But let me introduce something that I probably won’t ever do again – something which I think is a first for a music blog – a murder mystery with musical interludes. Yes. You read that right.)
I was stuck on the church roof when I first heard the news.
Now, I know what you are thinking. It is one of two things. Either you are looking back at the first line of this and wondering what news I had heard. Or you are wondering what I am doing on the church roof in the first place. Or you might be one of these people who think ahead and right now you are thinking about both things, why is he on the church roof and is it connected to the news that he had just heard?
Let me try to explain.
Long Story Short – Taylor Swift (2020, self released, Taken from ‘evermore’)
The reason I am on the roof is because Dave the church caretaker had asked me to go up there and sort the concrete on a couple of loose bricks from the turret. It is a ten minute job at best and as Dave the church caretaker has a heart problem he can’t possibly climb up all the steps and carry a bucket of concrete at the same time so he asked me to do it.
Dave’s Song – Whitney (2016, Secretly Canadian Records, Taken from ‘Light Upon The Lake’)
Although of course the real reason that I am stuck on the church roof is because the door slammed behind me and rather stupidly it only opens from the inside. The vicar definitely told me before I went up the tower steps to make sure that I wedged the door open with the handily placed rock, because due to a dodgy builder from the 17th century – the door only opens one way and despite him telling me this little more than 15 minutes ago. I still forgot. I stepped up on to the tower roof, took a deep breath. (You know a proper lung full), of the clean countryside air, stretched my arms up over my head, took in the view and then cursed as the wind blew the door shut behind me. It felt odd cursing on a church roof, but right now I have no sensible way of getting down.
God! Show Me Magic – Super Furry Animals (1996, Creation Records, Taken from ‘Fuzzy Logic’)
I also realised two other things up there on the tower roof, well three if you include the fact that sky to the west had gone a very dark colour and it looked like it was going to absolutely chuck it down. Firstly, my phone, was in my bag, and my bag was down in the church office or the vestibule as I think it’s correctly called. I had obviously just shrugged when the door slammed and thought I’ll just call Dave, he’ll help get the vicar to open the door, but I can’t do that now. The second thing was that this concrete was rapidly going off so I might as well sort the brick problem out. The vicar was bound to come and check on me if I am not back in an hour because he wants me gone by three as he has to take a Bible Class and needs ‘total quiet’ for that.
What Took You So Long? – Courteeners (2008, Polydor Records, Taken from ‘St Jude’)
Of course, literally everyone in the village, with the possible exception of Mr Figgis from Oak Cottage, knows that in reality the vicars Bible Class usually consists of him and Mrs Figgis from Oak Cottage going at it like a couple of springtime rabbits in the vestibule whilst the flower arrangers’ fuss about with the hydrangeas in the main church.
Springtime – Leatherface (1991, Roughneck Records, Taken from ‘Mush’)
But surprisingly enough that isn’t the news that I heard whilst stuck on the church tower roof. That news I heard just as I set the second concrete brick back onto the turret. It came from inside the church via a small air vent that pumps out onto the tower roof. It was a Kevin’s voice, he is one of the flower arrrangers. I knew it was him because of his Cockney accent, even though he tells everyone he is from Whitley Bay. It was clear as anything and it sounds like he was talking to someone else.
“It’s done. She’s dead. I poisoned her just like you said”.