50 Twelve Inches – #25

Butterfly – Inspiral Carpets (1988, Cow Records, Taken from ‘Trainsurfing EP’))

The ‘STOP’ command was uttered by a bored eleven year old this morning.  She is bored because I’ve told her that she can’t watch some inane video on You Tube which features some even more inane youths literally screaming the words

“OMG GOD THAT’S TOTES AMAZING”

around a New York Shopping Mall, and then giggling hysterically when some bequiffed lad in a Ralph Lauren polo shirt walks past them, looking gormless and irritating at the same time (quite an achievement). I don’t really mind what she watches on You Tube (I mean within reason clearly) but this morning we are supposed to be going out to get some Christmas presents (although I think it will be New Years Eve when you read this – more of that later) and its nearly ten thirty already and she still hasn’t had her breakfast.  A few loud blasts of songs from my ‘drastically out of date’ record collection, should sort her out.  Bearing in mind I still have the power to stream anything I like into her bedroom at any time of the day or night, it tends to work.

Anyway, evil parenting tips aside, its confession time.  I try to cheat the stop command today.  Usually I go with the flow and let the randomness of it all direct the finger of fate.   But today I try my best to nobble this series, with a predetermined strike.  It fails but I’ll tell you why I tried.  I hadn’t wanted to cheat the series, and perhaps this is karma – who knows – but about twenty minutes ago, I was clearing out some emails – (I tend to get a lot more junk in the old inbox since I started the blog – even the No Badger Required Email address is barely ever used, the amount of emails it gets is extraordinary – and none of them are music related) anyway, one popped in there whilst I was looking and it was from a pub down in the darkest part of Devon called The Pigs Nose. 

The Pigs Nose has become kind of famous for being the sort of place that famous people hang out.  Damon Albarn owns a ‘farm’ nearby (I say ‘farm’ its more a rambling estate and massive manor house).  Paul Simonon is a regular there and both Albarn and The Good, The Bad and The Queen have played gigs there in the past. Anyway, they are advertising their New Years Eve Party, which features this year a live performance from Utah Saints.  I really want to go but know that it is going to be almost impossible.  To make up for that I thought it would be kind of cool if the Utah Saints got pulled out of the cupboard.  So I clocked where the only Utah Saints 12” I own was in the cupboard first and marked it with a bi of paper – that 12 inch by the way is this;

Believe In Me – Utah Saints (1993, London Records) – which isn’t their finest hour to be honest – but its still great in an indie rave crossover sort of way (and more of that tomorrow!).

So as I dragged my finger along the spines of the record I deliberately slowed down as it reached the Utah Sants record – I also moved my finger back a little bit as well and then the STOP command was boredly muttered and….my finger was clearly hovering on the twelve inch of the excellent ‘Trainsurfing EP’ by the Inspiral Carpets, which sits a few records to the right of ‘Believe In Me’ and is too good to ignore. 

So I pull it out.  It does momentarily pique my daughters interest.

“What’s Trainsurfing” she asks, followed by “Is it like normal surfing, only on a train”.  To which the only answer is, yes, sort of.  I show her a couple of videos on You Tube.  She shakes her head and calls it “Stupid”, but I reckon if we could and it was safe and legal – she’d be first in the queue to try it.

The ‘Trainsurfing EP’ is one of three early Eps by the Inspiral Carpets that when I was a kid were something of a mystery because they were rare and highly sought after (the other two were ‘Plane Crash’ and ‘Cool as Fuck’- and I haven’t really considered the consequences of what might happen if I ever pick that out).  Over time I have been able to grab vinyl copies of all three – and paid less than a tenner collectively for them, so I’m kind of glad I waited.

‘Butterfly’ is pretty cool, it stems from the days when the Carpets had a much more garage-y sound – although that swirly Clint Boon organ sound still underpins much of their tracks. 

Here is the extremely moralistic No More Than Five Words Review “Trainsurfing is stupid and dangerous”.

She’s probably right – here are the other three tracks on the EP, all of which can now be found on the Expanded version of the ‘Life’ album.

Causeway – Inspiral Carpets (1988, Cow Records)

You Can’t Take the Truth – Inspiral Carpets (1988, Cow Records)

Greek Wedding Song – Inspiral Carpets (1988, Cow Records)

Regular readers will know that what follows next is a recommendation from my daughter to you all – I genuinely have no say in this, its part of the deal for her to carry on with this charade.  She has saved us this one for you – its possibly the worst song you will have heard in all of 2023 and possibly the worst one you will hear in 2024 and most years after that. It would take Adam Woodyatt teaming up with Limp Bizkit to make a rock jazz version of Paul McCartney’s ‘Frog Chorus’ to topple it.  Ladies and gents heres to the worst record you will probably ever hear. Happy New Year.

This Towns Been Too Good To Us (VAVO Remix) – Dylan Scott (2023, Curb Records)

Nearly Perfect Albums #92

Heartworm – Whipping Boy (1995, Sony Records)

‘Heartworm’ pretty much soundtracked my second year at university.  It was the record that filled my house more than any other – and if I wasn’t playing it then my flatmate Jonny would have been.  I can remember the first time I ever played it as well, I’d stuck it on and intended to let it play in the background whilst I wrote an essay about the effects of anomie of modern day society.  The problem was that as much as I was interested in Robert Merton’s seven stages of anomie, the voice of Fearghal McKee and the post punk Mary Chain-esque sounds of his bandmates were simply too brilliant to just let float away in the background.

‘Heartworm’ kind of got lost when it first came out back in November 1995, lost, as many great albums were in the Britpop boom, people wanted Pulp, Oasis and Blur and songs about having a good time, we know all that of course, I’ve moaned about that already.  Whipping Boy and ‘Heartworm’ in particular had something else – this wasn’t a happy album, this wasn’t the sort of record you stuck on before going out to meet your mates in their parkas – this was a very inward looking record where singers talk about ‘losing faith in things that were good’, and where love was irreparably broken and relationships were bitter and where drugs, violence and mental health were front and centre.

‘Heartworm’ kicks off with ‘Twinkle’, in which the scene is kind of set, the guitars are all tight and claustrophobic, like the greatest moments of Spacemen 3’s ‘Perfect Prescription’ or what the Mary Chain sounded like on ‘Automatic’.  The lyrics hinting at characters on the brink of destruction, on edge, with things moving in fast forward as a chaotic relationship disintegrates.

Twinkle – Whipping Boy (1995, Sony Records)

That relationship is explored further and more dangerously in two further songs, firstly ‘Tripped’, which is basically about the emotional toxicity of failing relationships, “She Tripped, She Tripped” Mckee sings over and over again as we learn that the relationship is become more and more unhealthy as accusations fly around it.

Tripped – Whipping Boy (1995, Sony Records)

That of course comes to a head in the explosive ‘We Don’t Need Nobody Else’, which ends side one.  That is a sort of monlogue that sees McKee admit to hitting his lover, “I hit you for the first time today… Christ, we weren’t even fighting…I was just annoyed” he pleads as the guitar rage in a different kind of confrontational way.  Its extraordinary, its uncomfortable but its astonishingly great.

We Don’t Need Nobody Else – Whipping Boy (1995, Sony Records)

The second half of the record, is reflective, if that is the right word.  It broods on past glories, none more so than in the beautiful ‘Personality’ which name drops a man called Mr Field (weirdly, that house I mentioned right at the start, the landlord’s name, Mr Field), the actress Koo Stark, and concludes with a wonderful line by McKee, about “What the Fantastic thing about the female is…”. 

Personality – Whipping Boy (1995, Sony Records)

The album ends with its quietest track ‘Morningrise’ – which is all defiant strings and an almost whispered vocal that fades away tremendously before five minutes later, as was the trend back then, another track, ‘A Natural’ which amidst more strings and a distorted guitar, McKee tells us of his struggles with schizophrenia and of his fears.  It is a bleak, haunting and powerful finale to a stunning record.

Morningrise – Whipping Boy (1995, Sony Records)

A Natural – Whipping Boy (1995, Sony Records)

Your Tune #4 – Dawn, and Leon (and Leon’s Dad, Craig)

The phrase “All good things must come to an end….”, is very possibly overused.  My brother, for instance, once used it in a letter to a girl he met on a ferry.  A girl whose hand he held as the sun rose over Portsmouth and of whom he spoke of little else for a good two weeks later.   In what was only his second letter to he told her, in all seriousness, one suspects, that the two hours that he spent in her company was “a beautiful thing” but all good things must come to an end.  This was largely because he lived in Medway and she lived in Wrexham and as such any form of relationship was difficult, that and he was only 15 and only had a Raleigh bike to get around on. 

But come to an end, good things must, and on that, welcome to the fourth and final instalment of the Wrong and Boats takeover.  Normal service will be resumed on this blog tomorrow.

Satan – Orbital and Kirk Hammett (1997, Sony Records, Taken from ‘Spawn OST’)

Dawn never meant to sleep with Leon’s dad.  It just happened. He’d given her lift home one night, after Leon had passed out on the sofa after drinking too much tequila at Ian White’s party.  It wasn’t far to her house to be honest, she could have walked, but it was a bit nippy outside, but Julia, Leon’s mum insisted that his dad, Craig, drove her home, whilst Julia threw Leon in the shower.

At first it was innocent enough, they sat and chatted outside her parents house and as the talk turned to flirting, one thing led to another and then behind her parents house in the small garage block, three and a half minutes of magic happened.   It was her first time and it was pretty much how she’d dreamt it, without of course, the rain, the seatbelt case sticking in her back, and the discarded Strawberry Chewit stuck to her thigh.

Pull Out – Death From Above 1979 (2004, Last Gang Records, Taken from ‘You’re A Woman, I’m A Machine’)

Dawn told herself that it was a one off, but she knew deep down in her heart that it probably wasn’t, that few minutes with Craig had meant something, something special that her and Leon didn’t have.  It wasn’t that she didn’t like Leon, she did, it was just that he was, well, a bit dull.  His interests were trains, the TV Programme, Minder, and the music of Chris Rea.  He also wore slippers.  He was 17 and wore slippers. 

There was an awkwardness the next time Dawn saw Craig, her family and Leon’s meet up at the Frowning Clown, for a carvery a few weeks later, Craig looked really cool in a Ted Baker jumper, whilst Leon was wearing his blue cardigan that he thought made him look like Graham Coxon from Blur (even though he hates Blur), but actually made him look more like a trainspotter, particular when he wore his glasses, but Dawn never said anything.

What’ll It Take – Graham Coxon (2012, Parlophone Records, Taken from ‘A+E’)

Two days later, whilst Leon was at college, and Julia was at work, it all happened again (and again) in various rooms of Craig’s house.  That was, she told Craig, the last time, but secretly she hoped it wouldn’t be.  It was as it happens, the last time, because four hours later, Julia found a bracelet that Dawn had left behind, in Craigs underwear drawer, whilst she was putting away some socks of his.

Through the Hosiery – Crystal Castles (2008, Play It Again Sam Records, Taken from ‘Crystal Castles’)

There was of course, a scene, Julia chucked Craig out and then went round to Dawn’s house and smashed up Dawn’s dad’s Vauxhall Corsa up with a piece of old fence that was lying on the ground and the police had to be called.  Julia spent two months ‘resting’ in a special hospital.   Leon has never spoke to Dawn since that fateful evening.  Dawn had said sorry on the phone, in person (well through the letterbox) and in several letters.

All this of course happened a few years ago, and time has passed but Dawn hasn’t been able to move on.  There is, she thinks, something missing in her life.  She has since that time stumbled from relationship to relationship, she deliberately picked guys whose fathers were ugly as well.  It was last Wednesday when after seeing a blue cardigan in a local charity shop that she realised that she hadn’t been really happy since she was with Leon.

So, Leon, if you are reading, Dawn wants you to know that she is sorry, truly sorry, and wants you and your mum to forgive her.  She is, and she has underlined this bit in red, so it must be true, definitely not interested in your dad, and wants us to play you a song.  She has asked for to play ‘Auberge’ by Chris Rea, for you, and asks you to remember those good times, especially Ian White’s party.

Sadly, we don’t have anything by Chris Rea in our record bags today – but we have something very similar that we think you will both love.

Father and Sons – TV Priest (2021, Sub Pop Records, Taken from ‘Uppers’)

Your Tune #3 – Richard and Katherine

Its day three of the Wrong and Boats blog takeover, which means another letter from a sad person who thinks that airing your dirty washing on national radio before dedicating a syrupy love song to someone whose very soul they had a short while earlier trampled all over by being a dick to them, is a romantic gesture. 

As usual, the music crowbarred into this are from me, unless specified otherwise by Wrong and Boats and once again they are offer clues to the themes that are going to be featured on here on 2024, like this one…

Say It Ain’t So – Weezer (1994, Geffen Records)

For years, Richard thought that Katherine, the librarian from Abergavenny was always way out of his league. He’d met her in 1994 when fitting her mums carpets.  He’d got to know Katherine that same day.  She’d turned up with some Mr Kiplings Country Slices and made him a really nice cup of tea.  After just two slurps of that tea from the BBC Radio Wales Mug that ‘belonged’ to her brother, but he was away with Navy and so didn’t need it.  Richard thought Katherine was lovely.  She had a laugh like a pixie and dimples when she smiled and what a smile she had. Richard was smitten, by her beauty, kindness and wit. 

She even laughed at his joke and the hairy lipped squid and played with her hair when he spoke to her about the best ways to get pastel paint stains out of a carpet (spray it with white vinegar) and he’d read all about the Signs.  So he downed his tea, rather too quickly and slightly burnt his mouth, but he rode it out, and asked Katherine out to the cinema to watch the new Jurassic Park film.

Sadly, Katherine didn’t think or feel the same way.  She was in love with Gregory.  Chief librarian at the local library.  She much preferred a man who not only understood late Victorian poetry but which shelf to look for it, when the library was quiet and she wanted some random acts of romance. What Katherine didn’t want was a man whose main topic of conversation was whether you could get pastel paint stains out of a shag pile and still liked dinosaurs.   

Like When You Meet Someone Else – Field Music (2005, Memphis Industries Records)

Richard bit his lip as Katherine snapped his heart in two as she regaled him with stories about how Gregory liked bungee jumping off bridges and fighting tigers in his spare time.  He made his excuses and got back to work when she talked about Gregory’s friendship with the actor Shuan Williamson from Eastenders.  Richard loved Barry from Eastenders and based most of his dress sense and happy go lucky personality on him.

Head In the Clouds – Shamir (2015, XL Records)

Eventually Katherine and Gregory were married and moved away to the village of Three Cocks (which sits on the A458, so stop sniggering) and as far as Richard was concerned, that village should have been renamed Four Cocks as soon as Gregory moved there (you can snigger at that one).   Around two years later, she gave birth to twins, George and Georgina and that should have been that as far as Richard and Katherine were concerned but Richard just couldn’t shake that feeling, the feeling he’d got when he’d slurped that tea out of her brothers mug.  He knew that this story had another page.

I Know I’ll See You – A Place To Bury Strangers (2007, Killer Pimp Records)

Which is why Richard is writing to us because last week, some twenty eight years later, Richard won the jackpot on the fruit machine at the arcade on the sea front at Barmouth.  £250 in pound coins. He knows that money isn’t everything but he is a rich man now, Katherine.  Rchard wants you to close your eyes and for you to remember that afternoon at your mothers house, to remember that joke about the hairy lipped squid and to remember how happy you were back then, before Gregory and your children probably ruined all that.  He can make you happy again Katherine.

He wants us to play you a song, that afternoon on the radio, (BBC Wales Drivetime) they played ‘My Heart Will Go On’ by Celine Dion and he wants you to know that his heart has gone on.

Now sadly, we don’t have that in our record bag today but we do have a song that is very similar to that – its by a new soulful band on the block who make smooth easy listening RnB perfect for all those lovers out there.

Close Your Eyes (And Count to Fuck) – Run The Jewels (2014, RTJ Records)

Your Tune – #2 – Andrew and Miranda

Brace yourselves its day two of Wrong and Boats takeover and they are back with another letter from a lovelorn soul.  The musical interludes crowbarred in are from me unless otherwise stated, they are all taken from themes that will feature in the coming months

Todays letter comes from Andrew from the picturesque Humberside ghetto of Goole.  He wants to let his ex partner Miranda that he still loves her and that flame that he had for her has never gone out, despite the fact that she ran off and left him fifteen years ago and took his brand new Toyota Yaris with her.  He may have got the Yaris back, recovered from a disused train station car park just outside Mansfield, but alongside his wallet, credit cards and two family size packs of Mentos, Miranda was nowhere to be seen.

In the Backseat – Arcade Fire (2005)

It wasn’t love at first sight for Andrew and Miranda – he used to see her from the building site where he worked, welding pipes, she would be attending the church hall for the Zumba Class.   After three months of smiling at each other in an increasingly soppy way, Andrew finally plucked up the courage to ask Miranda out for a drink and a meal at Waynes, a local bistro just off the A161 near Home Bargains. 

Baked Potato – Leatherface (1991, Roughneck Records)

There, over an under cooked portion of Duck a L’Orange and a lukewarm cottage pie the two fell in love.  Within a year they were married, it wasn’t a posh affair, just them and some family and friends at a local goose sanctuary and then a meal and singsong at the Bucket of Sick, their local Wetherspoons.  Within another year their first child, Randolph was born, and their second Jupiter followed around two years later and life seemed to be great for this little family.

Kissability – Sonic Youth (1988, Geffen Records)

Things started to go downhill when they were the Family of the Week on Channel 4’s flagship morning telly show The Big Breakfast.  In what has since gone down in television history as one of the greatest things to have ever happened on live TV, a blazing row between Andrew and Miranda was quickly interrupted by Zig and Zag hastily introducing Biker Mice from Mars just as the words “I told you ten times, I never touched Chris’ balls, he dangled them over me….” floated across the kitchen as Gabby Roslin and special guest Joe Pasquale looked on horrified.

Troubled Waters – Cat Power (2000, Matador Records)

There was sadly no coming back from there, Miranda took little Randolph and Jupiter to their grandparents and the next Andrew heard from Miranda was through a solicitor, divorce had been filed for, the marriage had irretrievably failed and Miranda claimed that Andrew’s fondness for dressing up as a goose and shouting “Honk Honk Mummy” as he reached climax had caused severe mental anxiety.

Time has passed, of course it has, mistakes were made, accusations have been flung, of course they were.  But a chance meeting at a jumble sale last week has Andrew hoping that the flame can be rekindled.  So Miranda if you are reading, Andrew wants us to play a song for you.  That song is ‘Lifted’ by the Lighthouse Family, it was the song that played on Sad FM as Andrew dropped you off at home the night of your first date, at Waynes Bistro, it was playing as Andrew reached across and kissed you after he’d untangled himself from the seat beat. 

Sadly we don’t have anything by the Lighthouse Family in our record bags today but we’ve chosen something else for you both, it’s a very similar song with a very similar meaning.   Take care lovebirds.

Gmail and the Restraining Orders – Death Grips (2021, Third Worlds Records)

Your Tune – #1 Toby and Tabitha

As its Christmas and I’m very tired I’ve decided to hand over the reins of this here blog to former Radio DJs Steve Wrong and Simone Boats.  I’m sure you remember them from their heyday.  In that heyday they played songs to millions of avid listeners and of all the shows that they did their Sunday Love Hour was by far the most popular.  Their listeners would write in with their stories about love and relationships and Wrong and Boats would read them out as this played gently in the background.

Romeo and Juliet Theme – Nino Rota (1968, Shite Records Inc)

Then the listener would request a tune, their tune.  Usually a love song and then Steve and Simone would play it as a nation wept into their cornflakes at the tragedy of it all.  It was the eighties and making housewives cry into their breakfast cereals was what passed for entertainment back then.  But, the appeal of the Sunday Love Hour just like an electronic candle, never fades and after literally minutes of contract discussions (they’ve agreed to wash up my roasting tin and take the bottles to the recycling centre) I am proud to announce that for four days only, No Badger Required Presents a new version of that old radio staple, updated for the blogging world.  

Steve and Simone will take it from here – I’ll see you On New Years Day for the start of a month of Indie Disco Bangers.   Much Love.

SWC – Dec 2023

Ain’t No Love (Ain’t No Use) – Sub Sub (1994, Robs Records)

Love. 

Apparently, it’s a very splendid thing and it can also be a long road, a drug, a battlefield and occasionally easy.  Many people ask questions about it like what it actually is, or what time it is or what it has to do with anything.

For Toby Jugg from Haslemere it had everything to do with it.  He met the girls of his dream, Tabitha Looker at the Godalming Rugby Club Christmas Party, she was sick on his shoes after drinking too much Lidl champagne but as she wiped the yellow drool from her lips their eyes met.  Well after she’d wiped her eyes from the hurling, their eyes met.  Of course, Toby had a lazy eye and he was actually give his smouldering look to a bemused doorman, but Toby knew and so did Tabitha.

They bonded over a liking of life’s important things, like the television programme Crossroads, different types of screwdrivers, walks round the Slyfield Industrial Estate and vodka.  Slowly one thing led to another and Tabitha moved in with Toby in his two roomed flat above the bookmakers on Haslemere High Street.  She had no choice because her boyfriend Alan found out she’d been cheating on him with Toby and kicked her out of his place.

It wasn’t much but it was home.  The plan was to save for something bigger and better.  Tabitha had a few pounds in savings from her work in Bejams frozen food shop and from the day Tabitha moved in Toby only spent half of his wages from the butchers on heroin.   That is how deep this bond was.  There was an understanding.

It was just after Tottenham lost the 1987 FA Cup Final that things started to go wrong for Toby and Tabitha.  Arguments became more regularly largely stemmed by Tabitha’s newly found infatuation with Coventry City hunk Keith Houchen.  Toby would come home from the butchers and find Tabitha sitting in front of the TV constantly rewinding and watching Houchen’s diving header.  She would quote Brian Moore’s commentary to him in bed, during intimate moments and eventually Toby broke down.  Or rather his Citroen C4 did outside the house of local barmaid Tina Peaches.

It was Christmas Eve when Tabitha moved back in with her parents, she turned up in tears with her suitcase and lifesize cardboard Keith Houchen figure.  She’d been told by Dave who cleaned the toilets at the bus station about Tina and Toby and as Tabitha wiped her tears and her arse, she realised that her dream life with Toby was over.

Only Toby realised that he was wrong and now, 36 years later he wants to say he is sorry.   Tina has lost her looks and spends all day playing Royal Kingdom on her phone.  As the boredom set in Toby turned to Facebook and started looking at photos of Tabitha, she still has her looks.  That evening he sat in his lounge and reminisced by playing all of the songs that soundtracked his life with Tabitha.  Chris De Burgh, Shakatak, Hazell Dean, Black Lace, and as the songs played a tear dripped on to his World of Leather two seated sofa, just next to the Pot Noodle stain.  It was then he realised.

Toby loves you Tabitha and he asks if we can play ‘Mr Manic and Siter Cool’ to prove that. 

Well sadly, we don’t know have that in our collection, but here just for you and its almost as good as that – and I’m sure it was part of the soundtrack of your lives together, it is Stigmata by Ministry.  Go get him girl, he’s waiting.

Stigmata – Ministry (1988, Sire Records)

More lovelorn letters tomorrow folks.  Here’s a song from us to you all but especially Toby and Tabitha.

I Feel Fine – Tina (2019, Speedy Wunderground Records)

50 Twelve Inches – #24

Like A Daydream – Ride (1990, Creation Records, Taken from ‘Play EP’)

It is of course, Christmas Eve today.  It is not Christmas Eve when I am writing this – but as I am here and I’ve gone there, here is a story from a few years ago when my daughter aged nine, wavered about whether or not Santa was real or not.  I will say that this was the first Christmas after lockdown had been lifted so I’m prepared to give them some slack.

We had gone to what the organisers had called ‘A Winters Wonderland’, this was in reality a patch of woodland where a couple of massive tents had been erected in a clearing.  You traipsed up a path, which was gaily lit by fairy lights and piped Christmas music to be met by grown adults dressed as elves, who frankly should know better.  It was about there, where my daughter, started to get a bit sceptical.  The fake snow wasn’t helping but what really started the scepticism was the fact that the ears of the Chief Elf (‘Woodrow’ ably assisted by ‘Hedgerow’ and ‘Keith’) were crooked and you could see her real ears underneath it.

But she kept quiet.

We sat down and ate some cold mince pies and drank some lukewarm hot chocolate before Woodrow called us over to the smaller tent where a badly painted sign said that  “A Magical Adventure Waited”.  There we joined a queue of above ten other bored looking children who had either eaten too much sugar and wanted to fight their siblings or hadn’t been allowed any sugar and wanted to fight their parents.

Slowly we entered the tent and there Santa told us a story about being kind to each other and helping out some old folks.  All sensible and heartwarming stuff.   It almost made up for Woodrow’s wonky ears.  Almost, because my daughter is whispering something to me and her mum.

“Santa’s voice is all wrong.  He doesn’t sound old.  He doesn’t sound friendly.  He doesn’t sound fat and jolly”. 

Now, I’ll skirt over the last bit of that – but she had a point.  He didn’t sound any of those things, he sounded, well young, bored and most bizarrely, posh. There wasn’t a ho ho ho in sight.

It’s our turn to go and see Santa now.  My daughter strides forward.  She’s on a mission.  Her mother and I look a bit alarmed as she barges Hedgerow out of the way and then just sits and stares at this Santa abomination.  He does the spiel.  He asks her if she has been good and whether she is kind (the answer is yes to both of those, unless you are clearly pretending to be Santa) and she just nods.  There are tears in her eyes and I feel awful.  She glumly takes a present out of the bag, she doesn’t want it (it’s a crappy marble run thing that breaks about ten minutes after you construct it – which takes like four days to do) and marches out of the tent.  No thank you, no photographs, nothing.  I nod a thanks at Santa and then my wife tugs my arm and whispers “Beard” at me.  Santa is wearing an obvious fake beard and you can see his black real beard underneath it.  He is also about 35 years of age.  Its awful and I shake my head at the thought of about a hundred children’s dreams being shot to pieces by this utter charlatan.

Now, we’ve seen a lot of Santas, some good, some not so good, but this one, if you want a musical equivalent is liking buying tickets to see The Fall and finding Ed Sheeran fronting them in a pair of designer chinos.  That bad.

I turn around and find my wife talking to my daughter and there is a smile on my daughters face.  The tears have stopped.  We walk back to the car, she skips down the gaily lit path.  I ask my wife what she said. 

“I told her that the real Santa has Covid and couldn’t come to the Winter Wonderland.  He sent a replacement but made the fake santa make three deliberate mistakes so that the children would know he wasn’t the real deal.”

We go and see a better, older, fatter, jollier, proper bearded Santa a few days later and all is well again in the world.

The Play EP was the second of Ride’s all conquering early EP’s.  It’s the one with the daffodils on it, should you need a reference.  Here are the other three tracks on it.

Silver – Ride (1990, Creation Records)

Furthest Sense – Ride (1990, Creation Records)

Perfect Time – Ride (1990, Creation Records)

All of which are rather fine.

Here, rather fittingly is the no more than five word review “Not very Christmassy, daddy” – but i think that might have been influenced by me telling her that this will be published on Christmas Eve.

Here is the recommendation, oh god, apparently its ‘Christmassy”.

Heaven – Niall Horan (2023, Haze Records, Taken from ‘The Show’)

Merry Christmas y’all.

Back on Tuesday or rather our special guest editors will be.

Nearly Perfect Albums #91

Sounds of Silence – Simon & Garfunkel (1966, Columbia Records)

I’ve been a fan of Simon & Garfunkel for as long as I can remember.  I blame my dad, obviously.  I can definitely remember playing at least one of their records when I was about eight, I borrowed it from my dads music cupboard and asked my nan if I could play it on her old record player (that still played 78s!).  I used to secretly listen to their tapes on them on my paper round – lying when the other kids asked me what I was listening to – I’d tell them it was a NOW compilation or some “chart music that I’d taped off the radio“.  When I was 16, I’d hide my vinyl copy of this album (which I bought for a £1 in a second hand shop in Gillingham High Street) and the others (of those, I’d recommend the soundtrack to ‘The Graduate’ the most) that I had when my mates came round, because they were seriously uncool. 

It may have taken a while but I’ll admit it.  Simon & Garfunkel are (or rather were) brilliant (musically at least, we’ll skirt over some of their (unproved) personal issues for now) and their album ‘Sounds of Silence’ is a maverick work of folk pop genius. 

The Sound of Silence – Simon & Garfunkel (1966, Columbia Records)

We will all know the title track for, because it’s an indisputable classic.  My dad will tell you that back in the mid sixties, people hated this song – by people, he means the establishment, because back then, this was a song that people played when they wanted to stick it to the Man – this song was in 1965, pretty punk rock.  I mean, I stress the ‘was’ in that last sentence, but the lyrics hint at disillusionment pretty strongly.

“People talking without speaking.  People hearing without listening”

There is of course, more to this album that just that song.  It has a bunch of other well known tracks on it – but it’s the non singles that really make this record stand out from the other Simon & Garfunkel records.  There are perhaps five or six tracks on here, that generally speaking you rarely see on any of the multitude of Simon & Garfunkel compilations that surface every couple of years. 

‘Leaves That Are Green’ for instance, is outstanding, a track about the end of a relationship that has one of the most beautiful lyrics ever recorded,

“I held her close, but she faded in the night, like a poem I meant to write”

Leaves That Are Green – Simon & Garfunkel (1966, Columbia Records)

I mean that’s lovely isn’t it.

Other hidden gems include ‘Kathy’s Song’ – a soft sounding tender love song written by Paul to his then girlfriend, Kathy, which is all vulnerable and confessional.  It’s a marvellously simple song but wonderfully effective.

‘Somewhere they Can’t Find Me’ is another gem.  A folky tale about an outlaw who has to choose between his life of crime and his love.  It’s a great track and one that is much underplayed – if we didn’t have ‘Sound of Silence’ and perhaps ‘The Boxer’ (which isn’t on this album) then this probably my favourite track by them. 

Somewhere They Can’t Find Me’ – Simon and Garfunkel (1966, Columbia Records)

The last non single worth mentioning is ‘Richard Cory’, which sort of brings me back to my earlier comment about this being a work of maverick genius.  Richard Cory is based on a poem of the same name that was written at the end of the 19^th Century but again it is all about socking it to the man and standing up for the working classes (something I’m sure Simon and Garfunkel did when they played to 250,000 people in Central Park).  It contains a hard hitting lyric (for 1966, at least) about a disagreeable boss killing himself and yet it still sounds like one of the most upbeat pop songs on the record.  See maverick genius. 

“Richard Cory went home last night and put a bullet through his head”

Richard Cory – Simon and Garfunkel (1966, Columbia Records)

‘Sounds of Silence’ is one of those albums that you’ve kind of got to be in the right frame of mind to listen to all the way through.  It’s not that it’s a difficult listen – although ‘April Come She Will’ does leave me misty eyed from time to time, no idea why, it’s not even that good a song – it’s just an album that you don’t always reach for.  When you do reach for it, it’s well worth it.

The No Badger Required Top Ten Tracks and Albums of the Year – #1

And so we finally reach the top.  The peak, the pinnacle, the pointy bit.  The career highlight.  The accolade that all musicians want.  Damn it, this is the reason most people pick up a guitar, or plug in a keyboard or yelp into a microphone to tell us about how their love life is , or manipulate a machine to make an incredible noise, in the first place, because if they don’t they will never ever be awarded the No Badger Required Track of Album of the Year accolade.

Which, clearly, is what makes life so fulfilling. 

Oh, by the way, both the track of the year and the album of the year were released by the SAME label.  That label is Matador Records and right now its probably the most important record label we have.  I’m pretty sure this is the first time that different acts from the same label have topped each side of the poll.  Might be wrong. 

So without further ado, lets give it up for the track of the year, which, if you were paying attention, I sort of gave away last Wednesday.

No Badger Required Tracks of the Year – #1 – Nurse – Bar Italia (2023, Matador Records, Taken from ‘Tracey Denim’)

I think I must have played ‘Nurse’ about six times in a row when I first heard it.  It was on a download of a Steve Lamacq radio show and each time as it reached the end I’d stop it and rewind it (digitally, of course, I don’t have it on cassette) and play it all over again, to make sure I’d heard it right. 

 ‘Nurse’ starts out innocently enough – a simple guitar riff, a whispery XX style female vocal and a scratchy snare.  It teases you to carry on listening.  Around 45 seconds in, the songs bursts (sort of) into life, the drum is pounded – just the once mind, twice would be excessive – a different vocalist kicks in,  a chap this time  – the guitars get a bit fuzzy, suddenly we’re in an early Ride single  and it all sounds wonderful and the song is taking you somewhere else, or so you think.

Because thirty seconds later, the girl is back, the familiar riff that opened the song is back as well and we are back where we started until the over stuff starts up again, slightly differently, because this a third vocalist can be hard singing through a distorted mic.  Its wonderful, all of it, the interplay between the three vocalists, the scratchy drums, the refrained beats,  the whispered bits, the reflective lyrics, the way it swaggers knowingly, basking in its own coolness, the way it quickens and slows without really any warning, the way the guitars jangle, the distortion that shuts it all down – all of it.  Just magic.

F.O.B – Bar Italia (2023, Matador Records, Taken from ‘Tracey Denim’)

Of course, I gave away the Album of the Year winners a bit earlier, somewhere around the 7^th December if I remember rightly because I described this record as phenomenal and that’s not a word I band around willy nilly.

No Badger Required Albums of the Year – #1 – Everyones Crushed – Water From Your Eyes (2023, Matador Records)

‘Everyone’s Crushed’ is something like Water From Your Eyes third album), the first two crossed so many genres (synth pop, post punk, noise pop, shoegaze….), and concepts (hip hop cover versions, ballads….) that people had trouble describing their music.  It appears that it was all part of the masterplan.  That masterplan being ‘Everyone’s Crushed’ where all those ideas and concepts are welded together, into a wonderfully chaotic and brilliant album.

Barley – Water From Your Eyes (2023, Matador Records)

‘Everyone’s Crushed’ is such a good record, full of squealing, distorted guitars which stops to allow some digital squelching to kick in and then starts again, regardless as to whether the squelching has stopped or not.    Its full of guitars that sound like they have been deliberately detuned – in a way that sounds amazing (and as such sound like Sonic Youth in a way that not even Sonic Youth managed in the later parts of their careers).  But then when you scrap away all of that there are still simple pop songs waiting for you, like ‘Out There’ which has synths on it that sound like they’ve been nicked from an Art of Noise record.

Out There – Water From Your Eyes (2023, Matador Records)

The chaotic nature of it, is part of its charm.  Track six ‘True Life’ for example starts with guitars that blast away all screechy and in your face – but then all that stops and the band sing “Neil, let me sing your song”, a request aimed solely at Neil Young (or rather his lawyers), who refused to let them use a line or two from his ‘Cinnamon Girl’ song – and so forced the band to re-record a section.  It’s jumbled and messy but frankly who cares because when the music on offer is this good it really doesn’t matter.  ‘Everyone’s Crushed’ is utterly awesome.

True Life – Water From Your Eyes (2023, Matador Records)

And that folks is that.  2023, is done.  We’ll have a Nearly Perfect Album tomorrow, a 12 inch from the cupboard on Sunday, and then next week – I’ve arranged for two very famous people* to take charge of the blog for four days, whilst I stuff myself full of chocolates, sprouts and nut roasts.

* By famous, I mean, entirely made up and not famous at all. 

The No Badger Required Top Ten Tracks and Albums of the Year – #2

Today we will explore the track and the albums that are the runners up – the second bests of the year, and again they represent, two very different musical genres  On the one hand we have some breakspeed, in your face electronic rap and on the other hand we have the dirtiest, scuzziest garage rock that I’ve heard in a long time – but before then we have the little matter of the final two Musical Jury recommendations.   Here’s the first or rather the fifth, from JC.

The Candle and The Flame – Robert Forster (2023, Tapete Records)

“He’s been around for decades, but 2023 saw him hit a creative peak.  A reflective album, celebrating the good and happy things in life, past and present alike.  It was partly his response to the news that his wife, Karin Baumler, who has recorded and toured alongside him since the 90s had been diagnosed with cancer.  By the time it was finished and released, the album was, without question, the most uplifting and rewarding of 2023.  Oh, and his live shows were marvellous too.”.

He’s right, of course. 

And here is the last and possibly the best recommendation of the lot (although the David Holmes album might just pip it) from Khayem from the wonderful  Dubhed blog.

“My favourite song of the year is ‘Confession of An Aging Party Girl’ by Emily Breeze”

Confession of An Aging Party Girl – Emily Breeze (2023, Sugar Shack Records)

It might seem an easy choice, going for an artist based in my birthplace Bristol.  A bit of a cheat too, as the single was originally released in 2020 and re-released in February 2023, this time with a remix by Daddy G vs Robot Club.

What was a great song in the first place is taken to another place entirely, starting off with a pulsing electro vibe before sidestepping into a showboating second half both giving space for Emily’s half spoken half sung lyrics, dripping with metaphor and ennui. 

Or…a real banger in the indie disco sense. 

The remix and Emily’s third album ‘Rapture’, also out in February, has been on constant rotation at home and on the daily commute and shows no signs of fading. “

It’s ruddy marvellous that track….Thanks Khayem, and JC and all the Musical Jury not just for these recommendations but for all of your help over the year.  Genuinely couldn’t write this blog without you.

Ok, let’s look at track and the album that sit at number two on my list.

No Badger Required Tracks of the Year – #2 – Backwards – H31R (2023, Big Dada Records, Taken from ‘Headspace’)

We’ll do the introductions first if you like.   H31R are New Jersey based producer JWords and the Brooklyn based rapper maassai, who combine club rhythms and breakbeats over the top of unfiltered rap that have this almost otherworldly feel to them. 

I’ll do the musical comparisons next if that helps, although you might have to go with me on this a bit – but you know all those noises, scratches, bleeps and Spectrum computer game sounds that Radiohead then played guitars and stuff over when the released ‘Kid A’ that we all now think is some form of experimental genius….Well H31R (its’s pronounced ‘Heir’ by the way) have sort of done that but they have removed the needs for guitars and just put expansively brilliant rap over the noises, sounds, and (what I think are, at least) Chuckie Egg samples.  Lyrically ‘Backwards’ builds over this refrain of maassai asking “Why You movin backwards?”.  It confident, its understated and whilst some might want to call it experimental – I’ll just settle for amazing.   The album that followed ‘Headspace’ is also well worth a listen.

Down Down Bb – H31R (2023, Big Dada Records)

Ok, that’s the electronic rap, here’s the dirty, scuzzy garage rock.

No Badger Required Albums of the Year – #2 – Rat Saw God – Wednesday (2023, Dead Oceans Records)

We have of course been here before.  About ten years ago, I lost my voice shouting as loud as I could about how marvellous Hop Along and their dirty scuzzy guitars were (and they are).  Then in 2019, I said the same thing about Great Grandpa and before them I think I said the same thing about Speedy Ortiz.  Well, strap in because we have another one – but this one is different, because if you take all the bits that make Hop Along, Great Grandpa and Speedy Ortiz so essential you still don’t really scratch the surface on how utterly incredible the fifth album by North Carolina’s Wednesday is. 

Like all good scuzzy garage rock records, ‘Rat Saw God’ is powered by an incredible vocal.  That being courtesy of Karly Hartzman, who at the start of the record wants you to think that this is a folk record – but two songs and nine minutes in, all pretensions of a sing a long around the honky tonk piano are kicked firmly out of the window, as the end of the eight minute epic ‘Bull Believer’ is met with screams and some furious guitars that tell that this isn’t just a garage rock record, it’s a garage rock record that has its roots in DIY punk rock.  It is extraordinarily good.

Bull Believer – Wednesday (2023, Dead Oceans Records)

I say punk rock, well, I’ll dilute that a little because there is an element of alt country to it, there is also a smidgeon of shoegaze and a heck of a lot of urban torture. ‘Rat Saw God’ has this untouchable quality running through it – partly due to the vocals which take in emotional high and lows but also down to the music which runs through it.  At times Karly’s voice is buried under the wave of guitars that build into an abrasive kind of shrill that do their best to silence Hartzman in the best kind of way. 

‘Rat Saw God’ might be a bit bleak, but it works and above everything else it is a beautiful record.

Got Shocked – Wednesday (2023, Dead Oceans Records)

TV In the Gas Pump – Wednesday (2023, Dead Oceans Records)