50 Twelve Inches #34

Whatever – Oasis (1994, Creation Records)

I’m writing this whilst sat in the seating area of Gate 12 in the Departure area of Gatwick ‘luxurious’ South Terminal awaiting a flight.  To my left a family hungrily eat sandwiches despite it being not quite seven in the morning.  To my right, a couple hold hands and jabber away in French to each other.  In front of me a couple of bored looking men in suits check their phones and stare out the window.

I can never quite work out if I like airports or not.  I know that I dislike the sheer amount of people that you find there, all crammed into one area.  Most look bored, tired, harassed or mixture of all three as they stare up at the board and wait for their flight gate to magically appear on the board.  Saying that I once managed to convince my daughter that there was a formula to working out which gate you were going to be flying out of, something she still tries to make me explain to her every time we catch a flight somewhere – so it could be that the folk who stare aimlessly at the board are just working out the square root of 625 as part of their own magical formula.

I also dislike the shops.  My daughter asked me if I would visit the Harry Potter Shop in the South Terminal and get her a box of Bertie Botts All Flavour Beans, largely I suspect because she wants to try and then spit out and as such waste, the famously disgusting vomit flavoured one.  A flavour that I suggest is not actually vomit at all because selling the fragrance of someone elses vomit would I think probably be illegal or at worst frowned upon.  About thirty minutes I traipsed around the place, found the shop shut but clocked that a box of these sweets costs £12.  So I snapped a picture of the closed sign and sent it to her with a sad face emoji attached to it.  She’ll understand.

What I do love about airports though is people watching.  About an hour ago I sat in a small café and as I munched away on a half stale croissant and some volcanically hot tea I tried to predict where the people who walked past me where going.  Some are easy.  The lad in the baggy trousers and rucksack with patches on it is clearly a snowboarder heading off for some winter fun in the Alps.  The family walking together in London souvenir Tshirts speaking loudly in German are almost certainly heading home to Germany.

Some are not so easy.  There is a chap on his own, aged about 60,– he’s reading the Daily Mail – so apart from being a bigot and a probable fascist, he’s probably English.  He has a small backpack and very little else with him.  After about ten minutes of covert staring at him, I decide that he is either going to visit some friends, probably in Spain, or somewhere warm, or that he is a sex tourist off to Bangkok, with a final slurp of my tea I decide it’s the latter and rush off to my gate.

Yesterday, the finger of fate after two or three attempts (we kept stopping on bands that have already featured) landed on the spine of ‘Whatever’, the delicious fifth single released by the Gallagher Brothers.  It was released a week before Christmas and deliberately designed to challenge for the Christmas Number One slot.  It reached number three and the Melody Maker journalist and all-round hero Everett True (real name Jeremy, by the way, just in case you were wondering) proclaimed that it was,

“absolutely fucking stunning — from the strummed acoustic and Soup Dragon-esque sentiments (I’m free to be whatever I…whatever I choose), the fuck-off strings and inch-perfect handclaps, right through to the final applause”.

And you know what, he was right – I mean Everett True is barely ever wrong, the clues in his (made up) name, but he is especially right in this case.

‘Whatever’ came backed with three tracks, two of which as stand alone songs are a couple of country miles better than most of the songs that bands of that age produced in their entire careers and one which wasn’t very good  Here’s the duff one.

(It’s Good) To Be Free – Oasis (1994, Creation Records)

And here are the decent ones,

Slide Away – Oasis (1994, Creation Records) – which had always been mooted as the next single off of ‘Definitely Maybe’ but was shunted to a B Side as ‘Whatever’ emerged out the studio teeth bared.

Half The World Away – Oasis (1994, Creation Records) – which later became the theme tune to the excellent TV programme ‘The Royle Family’.  It’s sung by Noelly G and he claims it to be the best B Side in the entire world, which of course it isn’t because this is,

Everything Is Alright When You Are Down – Jesus and Mary Chain (1987, Blanco Y Negro Records)

Here is my daughters no more than five words review

“I like the strings” – which is probably a fair assessment.

And here is her weekly recommendation, it’s ok in a I’d rather listen to someone scraping their fingernails down a blackboard before ever listening to this again kind of way.   Amazon Music describe it as “Personal Motivational Pop Music”.  Let that be a warning.

Last Man Standing – Livingston (2024, Self Released)

In contrast here is my recommendation of the week.  You can vote on what’s best if you like. 

Bullet of Dignity – Fat White Family (2024, Domino Records)

Fifty Twelve Inches – #7 – Pulp

Common People (Motiv-8 Mix) – Pulp (1995, Island Records, Original Taken from ‘Different Class’)

You can I think imagine the scene.  Britpop is king, the dancefloor is packed to the rafters with hip and sexy young things (and my mate Jonny) all strutting their stuff to the latest hip and sexy sounds from hip and sexy young things in skinny t-shirts.  I mean Jesus they are even dancing to bands like Cast.

As the strains of something else fades out, the last big chorus from the latest Sleeper single perhaps, we drop this astonishing mix.  A minute or so of cheesy nineties beats fills the room there is bemused faces, people moan that we aren’t playing ‘Your Ma’ by Salad or something else equally bland or laugh at us for being ironic or trying to be clever and then in thirty seconds time, Jarvis pipes up “She came from Greece….” Cue bedlam on the dancefloor.   We’re so funny and so cool and so damn attractive.

That is pretty much how it happened in my head at least. 

In reality, Radio 1 had been playing the Motiv-8 Mix of ‘Common People’ for a while and its impact on the dancefloor frequented by the hip and sexy young things in the basement indie disco wasn’t that much of a surprise.  It was however, almost as popular as the album version of ‘Common People’ which we would perhaps get about twenty requests to play a night back in the day. 

Common People (Full length Version) – Pulp (1995, Island Records)

The Motiv-8 Mix of ‘Common People’ shouldn’t work, what with its cheesy handbag house bleeps and its Pete Waterman beats, but it really does.  It’s probably because of its cheesy nature.  You can almost smell the irony flowing through it.  Jarvis wants you to stick your handbag on the floor and dance around whilst some gonk in drainpipe jeans and a mullet (back to my mate Jonny again) tries to pull you.

The Motiv-8 Mix came on a DJ Promo twelve inch, it came in a plain black sleeve with ‘Common People – The Motiv-8 Mix’ stamped on it.  The promotional bumf shoved in the sleeve told you in no uncertain terms to ‘Stop what you are doing and listen to this….” 

There are four versions of ‘Common People’ on the twelve inch, you get the two tracks above, a radio edit, and something called ‘The Vocoder Mix’ which is ghastly but here it is.

Common People (The Vocoder Mix) – Pulp (1995, Island Record)

I once took this twelve inch along to a record fair in Guildford with the full intention of flogging it to this highest bidder – my head had been turned by the money that could be earnt by selling promo copies of Britpop tracks that had been remixed but I couldn’t bear to part with it.  I mean it’s ‘Common People’…

Earlier I had (foolishly on reflection) sold a one side promo of a remix of ‘Champagne Supernova’ by Oasis for £20 (nowadays a copy of that will cost nearly the same as a weekly shop in Waitrose).

Champagne Supernova (Da Lynch Mob Mix) – Oasis (1996, Creation Records)

I also sold another Pulp twelve inch – a Purple Vinyl one sided Moloko mix of Feelings Called Love’ for about £25.  I’ve never seen another copy of that anywhere since.  I think the remix surfaced as a B-Side on ‘Something Changed’, but I might be wrong but I probably should have kept that as well.

Feelings Called Love (Moloko Mix) – Pulp (1995, Island Records)

A Creation Records Countdown – #10 – Oasis

He is just a child with nothing to lose

Points 142

Highest Rank 3rd (three times)

Lowest Scoring Rank 20^th

Magic Pie – Oasis (1997, Creation Records, Taken from ‘Be Here Now’)

Before I start – there was a massive gap between the top ten and the rest of the countdown, the points between fourth and tenth were pretty close throughout and all the bands from here on spent some time in the top five.  Anyway….Oasis…..who I think are perhaps five places below where they should be, but hey what do I know?

To prove the answer to that question is very little – JM13 has his hand up….

“The third Oasis album is an absolute abomination and they’ve been a shadow of themselves ever since…”

‘Be Here Now’ is an album which I really should at some point give another spin.  I’d moved it sometime ago to the “Never Play Again” pile and then sold the gatefold vinyl copy I had for a vastly inflated price on eBay to an eager buyer from Warwickshire.  I remember thinking that it was bloated, over long, pretentious and full of terrible songs, but it can’t be that bad can it?

The Girl In the Dirty Shirt – Oasis (1997, Creation Records, Taken from ‘Be Here Now’)

Oh….it can be that bad.

JM11 wants to say something on this subject….

“You don’t have to like the Gallagher Brothers but they made some of the best pop songs ever on their first two albums.”

And there folks, lies the problem with Oasis.  If they had split up and gone to live in the countryside and built houses with swimming pools and filled them with cash made from the first two albums and the huge mega concerts that supported it –  then we would have all probably have hailed them as the greatest band of the last thirty years or so.  But they didn’t they spent the money on huge houses and filled the swimming pools with cocaine and swam in it and ruined everything.  Sort of.

Here are two of those best pop songs ever that JM11 speaks of

Shakermaker – Oasis (1994, Creation Records, Taken from ‘Definitely Maybe’)

Don’t Look Back In Anger – Oasis (1995, Creation Records, Taken from ‘What’s the Story…Morning Glory’)

I’m not the only one who thinks Oasis should be higher in this countdown, it wasn’t all about the first two albums, their B Sides were great as well – as JM18 reminds us

“Yeah, you can shove your ‘Be Here Now’ up yer arse, but you can’t deny that Oasis were incredible, their BSides (Like ‘Acquiesce’) were better songs than nearly all the so called britpop bands of that time released as singles….”

Acquiesce – Oasis (1995, Creation Records, B Side to ‘Some Might Say’)

“and, I happen to think that ‘The Hindu Times’ is one of the best bands singles and that came well after the flame had burnt out.  The problem was everyone wanted Oasis to make songs like ‘Wonderwall’ for ever and a day and that’s just unrealistic – if you put the constant bickering between Noel and Liam and the drugs to one side – that unrealistic view is what helped in Oasis’ demise.”

Well that and the songs were shite….I’m with you on ‘The Hindu Times’ though.

The Hindu Times – Oasis (2002, Big Brother Records, Taken from ‘Heathen Chemistry’)

Here is tomorrow’s lyrical teaser… “Seventeen, high-school queen”,

Nearly Perfect Albums – #49

Definitely Maybe – Oasis

Rock N Roll Star – Oasis (1994, Creation Records)

The first time I heard ‘Definitely Maybe’ I was sold.  I listened to it again on repeat just to make sure.  Yup, utterly sold.  From the era defining first line of ‘Rock N Roll Star’

“Live my life in the city, there’s no easy way out”

and its reverb heavy guitars and the way Liam frankly snarls all over it in a way, that we came to realise and adore, only he could (despite many trying, failing and vanishing).  I was sold on the way the drums sounded on ‘Columbia, I was sold on the way that Noel’s guitar playing sounded like nothing, absolutely nothing, that I had ever heard before (face facts Johnnys Marr and Squire).  I was even sold on the frankly ridiculous lyrics about “living under waterfalls” and the soppy, drippy sentiment that ran though songs like ‘Slide Away’, but most of all I was sold on the fact that ‘Live Forever’ was one of the greatest songs ever written.

Live Forever – Oasis (1994, Creation Records)

In 1994, Definitely Maybe’ was pretty much everything and right there and then, it, Noel, and (especially) Liam convinced me that the only life for me was that of being a rock star that had a seemingly endless supply of cigarettes and alcohol and a girl with whom I could literally live forever.

Cigarettes and Alcohol – Oasis (1994, Creation Records)

I saw Oasis live pretty early on into their career, not at the Water Rats or the 100 Club but at a fairly large London venue when the secret was out, and they were about six months away from being the greatest band on the planet (for three years at least).  I remember being fairly close to the front and being totally mesmerised by Liam.  By the way he stood so close to the microphone that he looked like he was going to headbutt it.  You know that look, arms behind the back, chin stuck out, swaggering back and forward with a stare that told you it doesn’t matter a jot what he was singing, it was how he was singing it that mattered and for a while at least, he was totally 100% spot on.

Columbia – Oasis (1994, Creation Records)

Of course, there are nowadays about a million reasons to lampoon Oasis, the fact that every album they did after say, 1997, was rubbish, watered down post Beatles slop.  The fact that Liam became a bit of a knobhead, that fact that Noel shat all his legacy into a rather large dustbin when he formed the High Flying Birds (and whilst I’m on the subject Liam did an even bigger dump of his legacy with Beady Eye).  The fact that they are (probably) singlehandedly to blame for the rise and almost total takeover of guitar music by mindless bloke rock designed to cater solely for men who drink in Wetherspoons pubs and think that Next is height of fashion. Like I said, a lot of reasons.

But. There are several million more reasons to love Oasis – Every Oasis single and album up to 1997 at the very least should be a mainstay in any music catalogue and to be honest you are all kidding yourselves if you think anything different, you loved them when they mattered.  Admit it.

I’ll take you back up to the top of this piece and the thing I said about being sold by the soppy drippy sentiment of a song like ‘Slide Away’.  ‘Slide Away’, with the possible exception of ‘Live Forever’ is the greatest moment of Oasis’s entire career and it was their ability back then to firstly write songs like this and then go on stage and get Liam to deliver it, that made ‘Definitely Maybe’ so essential in the first place. 

Slide Away – Oasis (1994, Creation Records)

Lost Indie 45s – #12

Window Pane – The Real People (1991, Columbia Records, Taken from ‘The Real People’)

In the middle of the fifth year of big school (so Year 11 nowadays) a noticeboard appeared in one of the common areas that we were allowed to congregate in at lunchtimes.  Usually the common areas (which doubled up as a classroom during the rest of the day) was used by people to hang around in, chat up girls, play cards, start fights or generally just catch up with mates.  The noticeboard revolutionised lunchtimes for about a month, until people got bored of it and left it alone (the sun came out) and resorted to being used for exactly what it was designed for – notices.

However, in the first few days it became the place to take the piss out of people.  Anonymous notes stating things like “Gary snogs like a fish”, “Claire, smells like a fish” etc.  It got really personal, on at least once someone said I had a big nose (its kind of average sized to be honest) and poor Smelly Nick got left coupons for cheap deodorant on literally a daily basis.

Enter Simon, a guy I barely knew, he was the football team goalkeeper, had been for years, and that is all I know about him.  He decided one day to make the board less personal and more cool.  So one lunch time instead of sticking up an embarrassing picture of two teenagers snogging at a party, he stuck a poster for some band that he was listening to at the moment.  A little note stamped on the bottom of it that read “This band are really cool, you should check them out”.  That band folks was The Real People and the poster was for their great lost 45 ‘Window Pane’.  A song that even now some thirty years later I picture Simon’s floppy fringe and large goalkeeper hands whenever I hear it.

Within days the board was full of other posters, and the floor became littered with ripped up posters.  Posters were torn down in rage, as hip hop acts battled indie acts and metal acts battled the sweaty rave acts for noticeboard dominance. 

‘Window Pane’ must have been released about sixteen times as a single.  It was one of those records that was always found in the 99p box at Woolworths or Our Price.  It was one of those tracks that had enough jingly jangly guitars to be catchy and hummable and appeal to the baggy indie kids and just about enough of a groove to make it bearable for the kids who like dance music, but it never seemed to chart higher than around Number 60.  It was one of those tracks that everyone seemed to own because of the amount of times it had been released (my wife for instance has it on 7” its tucked away in the red box of records behind her copy of ‘Stakker Humanoid’).

Stakker Humanoid – Humanoid (1988, Westside Records, Taken from ‘Global’)

The Real People were formed in the late 80s by two brothers (Tony and Chris Griffiths), a former member of China Crisis, a former member of Black and a former member of Its Immaterial.  Their biggest claim to fame was that they let Oasis (or Noel Gallagher on his own depending which side of the story you want to believe) use their studio and in that studio they recorded the demos that then got them signed.  Tony Griffiths can also be heard singing backing vocals on ‘Supersonic’ by Oasis, but actual success for The Real People never actually surfaced. 

Supersonic – Oasis (1993, Creation Records, Taken from ‘Definitely Maybe’)

100 Songs with One Word Titles (75 – 71)

Welcome back to week two of the One Word Title Countdown.  We will continue to group the songs in groups of five until we reach the Top 50.  Each morning this week I will have a little game for you all to play.  Of the five tracks that appear today, two of them were voted at number one by jury members in their respective returns.  Your quest should you choose to accept it is to work out which ones you think they are, suffice to say the rest of the jury didn’t necessarily agree with them.  Let’s start here.

75. Squares – The Beta Band (2005, Sony Records, Taken from ‘Hot Shots II’)

Back in 2005, The Beta Band stumbled across a great idea, they heavily liberated a large section of a relatively obscure track called ‘Daydream’ by Belgian easy listening combo Wallace Collection (in fact the sample they used was from the cover by the Gunter Kallman Choir, but let’s not split hairs) and used it to make a wonderfully off kilter pop record. Pleased with the outcome the band sat back and waited for success to roll in.  What the band didn’t know was that the electronica group I Monster had exactly the same idea, and their track ‘Daydream in Blue’ was much better.

74. Columbia – Oasis (1994, Creation Records, Taken from ‘Definitely Maybe’)

With the possible exception of ‘Live Forever’, ‘Columbia’ is the best song that Oasis ever recorded.  It was the song that made me believe in all the swaggering posturing that Oasis talked of.  It is superb from the first words uttered by Liam to the way that Noel’s guitar swirls around your speakers as Liam yells “Yeah, yeah yeah” in the background.  Right then, I believed that Oasis could do anything, and even now, knowing that ultimately, they were just a band, it still makes me smile with expectation.

73. Run – Spiritualized (1992, Dedicated Records, Taken from ‘Lazer Guided Melodies’)

Spiritualized were of course, another band that I expected to do way better than they did.  Again, perhaps I picked the wrong song.  ‘Run’ is an amazing record, a sort of early mash up of a Velvet Underground song and one by JJ Cale.  It is a breathtaking slab of psychedelic garage rock, all about cutting loose – I suspect it’s a thinly veiled dig at the demise of Spacemen 3, but regardless, its sublime and as damn close to perfection as you can get.

72. Unbelievable – EMF (1990, Parlophone Records, Taken from ‘Schubert’s Dip)

MJM number 7 writes – “I almost can’t believe I’m saying this, because I know you will use it against me, but I saw EMF live the other week.  I last saw them in London in 1992.  They were incredible and somehow, don’t ask me how, ‘Unbelievable’ sounded, well, unbelievable, it was almost like I was 17 again, which judging by the size of my hangover the following morning, I am clearly not”.

71. Atlas – Bicep (2020, Ninja Tune Records Taken from ‘Isles’)

I think ‘Atlas’ by Bicep maybe the most recently released track in this rundown (therefore automatically making it the best one word title track released in this decade).  However if this turned out to be a long lost track made in 1995 by Orbital back in then it really wouldn’t have surprised me.  The breakbeats and the sampled Ofra Haza vocals are all eerily reminiscent of ‘Halycon’ era Orbital.  It’s still fantastic though.