(Will the sneeze prove fatal for our hero?)
I must have looked pretty odd when the vicar (accompanied by Mrs Figgis) eventually opened the roof door about ten minutes after I sneezed. I stood there gripping my trowel. I was prepared to, well, trowel someone to death if I had to.
Clubbed to Death – Rob Dougan (1994, Mo’Wax Records, Taken from ‘Annie On One’)
Mrs Figgis held the door open as the vicar walked across the roof towards me. I lowered the trowel and tried my best to look at the very least, sort of sane.
“Whatever’s the matter man?” said the vicar, “you look like you’ve seen a ghost” and he put his arm around me and lead me to the small wooden stairs that lead from the tower to the rood. As we reached the doorway I felt the first drops of rain fall onto my head. I looked back, my bucket sat all by itself over by the air vent and I broke free from the vicar and told him that I’d forgotten my bucket.
The rain splashed on the reinforced roof of the tower as I trudged back over to get my bucket. I took in a few deep gulps of air and then turned back around and grinned at the vicar,
“Vertigo” I said to him, “Sorry, makes me a bit, erm, forgetful”. I don’t know why I said that. I figured that it was more believable than telling him I was shaken up by two of the flower arrangers conspiring to murder an as yet unknown person.
Vertigo – The Libertines (2002, Rough Trade Records, Taken from ‘Up The Bracket’)
We walk back down the stairs, I collect my bag from the office and head on out of the church. As I walk through the aisles I see Mrs Checkley and Kevin standing by the door and putting a big tub of brightly coloured flowers in a tub. They both stare at me as I walked down the church towards the exit. I eye them suspiciously and quicken my step. Kevin suddenly steps out in front of me and for some reason my legs sort of wobble and then just stop working.
Paralyzed – Ride (1990, Creation Records, Taken from ‘Nowhere’)
I should fancy my chances in a straight up fist fight with Kevin. For a start, I’m a lot younger than him. I’m also in much better shape and I’m armed with a trowel. He has what looks like a bunch of aspidistras in his hand. I shouldn’t be worried about him. Then again, on other hand, I haven’t poisoned someone, filled their pockets with rocks and then dumped them in a reservoir.
“Make you a cup of tea?” Kevin asks me in his chirpy Cockney drawl, “As a thank you for fixing the roof”, he looks towards Mrs Checkley who has a look on her face that could curdle any milk she touched.
God Help Me – Jesus and Mary Chain (1994, Blanco Y Negro, Taken from ‘Stoned and Dethroned’)
I shake my head and decline his offer, making an excuse that my wife is expecting me home so I can fix the dishwasher. What I want to say is that I don’t want to be their next victim. I’m sure I read somewhere that the sap from aspidistras is poisonous to humans. I step to one side to pass the bulky figure of Kevin and as I do, a door opens from behind me and the vicars voice calls out.
“Kevin have you or Jean seen Angela Finch? Apparently she has not been since she left Bridge Club last night. Her neighbour has been round to her house and she is not there and her bed hasn’t been slept in”.
Have You Seen Her Lately? – Pulp (1994, Island Records, Taken from ‘His N Hers’)
And with that Mrs Checkley dropped a vase on to the cold stone floor.