Paparazzi – Lady Gaga (2009, Interscope Records)
Ever felt unloved? Ever felt like the world hated you? Ever felt like if someone was asked to make a choice between punching either you or Piers Morgan in the face, that they would choose you? Ever been accused of pooing in your dads slippers, when it was clearly the puppy sitting next to the slippers with a smug grin on its face…..?
Welcome then to the Nil Point List.
The Nil Point List contains all the songs on The Great One Word Title Countdown that didn’t pick up a single point from any of Musical Jury. Songs that were laughed at, ignored, ridiculed, thrown out with the bath water and then made to shop at Primark until they never darkened our doors ever again.
Songs, that even now after nine days of assessing the final results, sorting them into tables, checking the votes and then rechecking just be to be absolutely sure that I hadn’t missed anything I still can’t quite understand how no one voted for them because they are all stone cold classics.
Maybe I accidentally sent the list out in Russian or something. Who knows?
Until we do, let’s look at five unloved One Word Titles, starting with the tune at the top ‘Paparazzi’ by Lady Gaga. I’ll be honest there were two reasons why ‘Paparazzi’ was on the list, firstly is because it’s a great record, although it plays second fiddle to ‘Poker Face’ and ‘Bad Romance’ in Gaga classics. The main reason though is when compiling this list, the episode of The Simpsons where Lisa made Gaga cry was on Channel 4 and it’s hilarious and therefore Gaga had to be included.
Yeah (Crass Mix) – LCD Soundsystem (2004, DFA Records)
I know. The fact LCD Soundsystem didn’t get a single point in this hugely scientific and groundbreaking contest only confirms that those that did are brilliant songs and that your ears are going to be in for a proper treat over the next few months. Well that or the Jury don’t have a fucking clue what they are talking about. I very nearly ripped up the results and cheated when I found this out.
Goldfinger – Ash (1995, Infectious Records)
I mean I really don’t know. Perhaps the Jury all simultaneously read ‘Gold Digger’ by Kanye West and simply avoided it. Although that would mean ignoring the fact that a) Gold Digger is two words and that another Kanye West song was also on the list (but – spoiler – didn’t do very well either, although better than Ash did). Again, I very nearly cheated.
Strasbourg – The Rakes (2004, Mercury Records)
You know that time where you pop a song onto a list because you know that one of the jury loves the song and you are utterly convinced that they at least will give it some points. Well, they didn’t.
Dreamer – Livin’ Joy (1994, MCA Records)
One of (I think) seven records to reach number one that were on the long list and easily the best of them all. A personal favourite of both Mrs SWC and Mini SWC and it didn’t get a single point. You may as well go down to local blind school and hide all their sticks you heartless bastards.